The Golden Rules of Tennis
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Something pointless and silly, for no apparent reason. The rules according to our favorite tennis players. What would happen if they could change the game?
1. Seigaku

This is what happens when a fanfiction author gets bored, and decides that the Seigaku regulars should each choose a new rule for tennis! And of course, everyone else has to follow these new rules...because they are engraved in the Golden Rule Book of Tennis...

****

Rule #1: The loser must always drink Inui's special vegetable juice of the moment, no matter what team he is from.

Example:

SEIGAKU vs. FUDOMINE

ECHIZEN vs. IBU

VICTOR: Echizen.

Inui: You lost. You must drink Version Twelve Million Golden Special Remix Power Ranger Juice of Destruction. Drink up...

Shinji: What is this juice again? I heard about it once before but no one explained to me what it was because Echizen said I didn't want to know, which kind of pissed me off, even though I didn't say so because I didn't want to seem rude or anything, but...oh, but it smells strange and...it doesn't taste very good either, and I feel like I'm going to barf, and I don't think my legs are moving, and does anyone care that I'm in pain and my legs won't work anymore and I feel sick? Is anyone listening to me?

Kamio: You've killed him! You've killed my best friend! He's dead, look at him!

Momo: He's still talking...how could he be dead?

Kamio: Shut up, you bastard! Not only did you steal my bike, but your team killed my best friend!

(chaos ensues)

(Fuji grins. His rule is fun!)

****

Rule #2: The loser must give up one piece of ii data about himself.

Example:

SEIGAKU vs. ST RUDOLPH

FUJI vs. MIZUKI

VICTOR: Fuji.

Mizuki: Damn it! How could I have lost? I'll get you for this, Fuji Syusuke, if it's the last thing I do!

Fuji: (is ignoring Mizuki) Yuuta...how are you today, Yuuta?

Yuuta: ...

Inui: Mizuki. You lost. According to rule number one, you must drink Pink and Purple Polka-Dotted Hyperactive Remix Inui Juice.

Mizuki: *gag* *choke* *gasp* AAAaaaaAAAARrrrRGGGghHHHHhhhH!

Inui: And according to rule number two...

Mizuki: I know, I know!

Inui: So...

Mizuki: ...

Inui: One piece of personal data. ii data.

Mizuki: I'm wearing a thong.

(silence)

(tumbleweeds roll by)

Mizuki: Well, I am! It's purple...

(Inui sweatdrops, realizing his rule has backfired on him. He really does not want to know what type of undergarment Mizuki prefers.)

****

Rule #3: The winner must be showered with gifts, and the loser must buy the winner hamburgers.

Example:

SEIGAKU vs. YAMABUKI

MOMOSHIRO vs. SENGOKU

VICTOR: Momoshiro.

Momo: I won! I won!

Inui: According to rule number one...

Sengoku: (drinks Inui's juice) AAAaaAaaaaAAHhhhHH! I don't feel so lucky today...

Inui: And rule number two...

Sengoku: I have a pet hamster named Fred.

Inui: (sweatdrops yet again)

Momo: Now, where are my gifts? Where are they? Rule number three, people! (a few dead flowers are thrown in his direction)

Sengoku: It looks like you're popular...

Momo: The second part of the rule is that you have to buy me burgers! I want sixty-five double cheeseburgers! Let's go!

Sengoku: No, I'm not lucky today...

(Momo sings a happy hamburger-eating song. His rule is great!)

****

Rule #4: Each player must have a nickname, and each player must call the other player by that nickname during a match!

Example: 

SEIAGAKU vs. HYOUTEI

TEZUKA vs. ATOBE

VICTOR: No one. Match in progress.

Atobe; You're going to lose, Pooky-kun! I will be the winner!

Tezuka: ...

Eiji: (from his position as a spectator) Hey, rule number four! Rule number four!

Tezuka: The winner is undecided...O Godly One...

Fuji: (to his fellow spectators) Hm, I wonder who chose Atobe's nickname...

Eiji: Pooky-kun and O Godly One! It RHYMES! Sort of.

(Eiji thinks his rule is FUN!)

****

Rule #5: Everyone must be treated equally with proper respect and courtesy and kindness.

Example:

SEIGAKU vs. JOUSEI

KAIDO vs. WAKATO

VICTOR: No one. Match in progress.

Kaido: Thank you for serving, Wakato-san.

Hiroshi: Not a problem, Kaido-san.

Kaido: What shampoo do you use, Wakato-san? Your hair smelled lovely before we started and you got all sweaty.

Hiroshi: That sounded like an insult...remember rule number five, Kaido-san!

Kaido: (hiss) What idiot made rule number five?

Tezuka: Follow the rules, or you will run laps!

Oishi: It's so nice to see everyone getting along so well...

(Oishi is happy with his rule.)

Rule #6: BURNING! OKAY, GREAT! EXCELLENT! EXCITING! WONDERFUL!

Example:

SEIGAKU vs. ST RUDOLPH

ECHIZEN vs. YUUTA

VICTOR: Echizen.

Inui: We've been through rules number one through five...But I'm not really sure I understand this new rule six...(the two players gather round and read it. They both shrug)

Yuuta: I guess that means that we have to behave like idiots and start yelling random English words.

Echizen: That sounds like someone I know.

Kawamura: (coughs)

Fuji: I think Yuuta will be cute yelling English words.

Yuuta: ...Baka aniki!

Echizen: Kawamura-sempai, is this your rule?

Kawamura: Um...

(Kawamura wonders why they forced him to write a rule while clutching his tennis racket in his other hand)

Rule #7: All people will leave Kaido alone.

Example: 

SEIGAKU vs. SEIGAKU (practice match)

MOMOSHIRO vs. KAIDO

VICTOR: Momoshiro.

Momo: Hahahaha, I won, BAKA MAMUSHI!

Kaido: (hiss) Rule number seven, Momoshiro.

Momo: What's rule number seven?

Inui: (checks rule number seven) All people will leave Kaido alone.

Momo: Well, I wonder who wrote that rule! But remember rules one through three? You have to drink Inui's whatever juice, tell him something personal, and then you have to buy me hamburgers!

Kaido: (hiss) (drinks juice) (gags)

Momo: So what's the personal info?

Kaido: ...I like chocolate ice cream.

Inui: Hm...ii data...

Momo: Now you have to buy me burgers! Bwahahahahaha!

Kaido: What about rule number seven?

Momo: Rule three comes before rule seven! It has to be followed first!

Kaido: (hiss)

(Kaido is upset that his rule is not working)

Rule #8: Madda madda da ne.

Example:

SEIGAKU vs. HYOUTEI

KAWAMURA vs. KABAJI

VICTOR: No one. The match has come to a standstill. Both parties have injured hands.

Eiji: This is bad, nya! The match is definitely over!

Inui: Not according to rule number eight.

Everyone else: ...

Ryuzaki-sensei: Echizen! Change your rule!

Echizen: ...see rule number eight...

(Echizen is happy that he now has a new catch phrase, which is really the old catch phrase, but he has a new way to say it)

Rule #9: Everyone run five million laps, now.

Example:

Tezuka: See rule number nine!

Inui: (checks rulebook) Rule number nine is...everyone run five million laps, now.

All members of Seishun Gakuen tennis club: WHAT?!

Tezuka: It's my new rule.

(inner Tezuka is cackling)


	2. Hyotei

Oh no! Hyoutei got mad when Seigaku got to make rules and they didn't, so some new rules are being engraved in that Golden Rule Book...

Rule #10: Once a regular member, always a regular member, until that person leaves the school.

Example:

Everyone: Your haircut looks dumb, Shishido.

Shishido: I did it to stay a regular member!

Coach: Too bad, I'm cutting you anyway.

Atobe: Don't be so hasty...

Shishido: ...Damn it! This calls for drastic measures! I'm going to invoke rule number ten!

(gasp)

Coach: ...fine. But I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for Atobe.

Atobe: heh, I'm so manipulative.

(Shishido breathes a sigh of relief.)

(Then he gets angry. If he'd invented this rule earlier, he would still have his hair!)

****

Rule #11: Um...be nice?

Example:

Shishido: (looking at rule book) Choutarou, did you write this?

Ohtori: Um...

Shishido: What kind of stupid rule is this?

Ohtori: =(

Shishido: Oh, um...sorry...just serve the ball already!

Ohtori: (serves)

Shishido: (loud *thwack* as ball connects with his face) Ow...

(Ohtori hides a smirk. He likes his rule, it's not nice of Shishido-sempai to make fun of it!)

****

Rule #12: Minor characters should be appreciated.

Example:

HYOUTEI vs. SEIGAKU

HIYOSHI vs. ECHIZEN

VICTOR: Echizen.

Audience: Hey, who is that guy who just lost to Echizen Ryoma?

Audience: Echizen is so cool!

Audience: Echizen, Echizen, Echizen!

Audience: No one cares about that other guy...

Hiyoshi: ARRrrrRRgggHHH! RULE NUMBER 12, DAMN IT ALL!

(Hiyoshi hopes his rule will work.)

(It doesn't.)

****

Rule #13: Nap times will be allotted between games.

Example:

HYOUTEI vs. ST RUDOLPH

JIROH vs. FUJI (Yuuta)

VICTOR: No one. Match in progress.

Referee: Change court!

Jiroh: Yay! (collapses to ground) zzz...

Yuuta: Hey! That guy is sleeping!

Referee: Um...is that allowed?

Atobe: According to our new rule number thirteen, nap times will be allotted in between games.

Referee: Okay then, nap time!

Jiroh: zzz

(Jiroh is dreaming happy dreams, and enjoying his rule)

****

Rule #14: Only really fancy acrobatics are allowed.

Example:

HYOUTEI vs. SEIGAKU

OSHITARI/MUKAHI PAIR vs. OISHI/KIKUMARU PAIR

VICTOR: No one. Match in progress.

Eiji: Nya! Yo ho! Hoi! (hits ball)

Mukahi: (does fancy spinning twirly flip, hits ball)

Eiji: Hoi (hits ball by bending arm at strange angle)

Mukahi: (does special dance, flips three times, hits ball)

Eiji: (hits ball)

Mukahi: OI! Rule number fourteen!

Eiji: What? What's rule number fourteen?

Mukahi: Only fancy acrobatics are allowed! You're not following the rules!

Eiji: (hits ball)

Mukahi: Disqualify him already! (does a twirling hop, and hits ball)

Eiji: ... (backflips, and hits ball)

Mukahi: Hey! No fair!

(Mukahi sees that his rule has backfired, and now Eiji is probably going to become better at acrobatics than he is)

****

Rule #15: This rule does not exist, but you must follow it anyway.

Example: 

HYOUTEI vs. SEIGAKU

SHISHIDO/OHTORI PAIR vs. INUI/KAIDO PAIR

VICTOR: No one. Match still in progress.

Inui: There is a ninety-nine percent chance that Ohtori's special serve is impossible...I want to look at the rules now...

Kaido: (hisses) You just want to win.

Inui: Maybe.

Ohtori: So, Inui-san, what's the verdict?

Inui: After carefully reviewing the rules, I found rule number fifteen, which caused me to be very curious.

Ohtori: ...

Inui: It says that this rule does not exist, but it must be followed anyway.

Ohtori: ...

Kaido: ...

Shishido: ...

Inui: So I guess that means that since I hit that ball out and no one noticed, I should own up to it now...

Ohtori: ...

Shishido: ...

Kaido: ...

Inui: (is suffering from guilt trip)

(Oshitari is snickering in the background. He likes messing with people's minds)

****

Rule #16: Usu.

Example:

Atobe: Kabaji! Make me a sandwich.

Kabaji: But I don't want to...

Atobe: What are you talking about? Go by rule number sixteen.

Kabaji: But we aren't playing tennis right now.

Atobe: Kabaji...

Kabaji: ...

Kabaji: Usu.

(Kabaji mourns the loss of his almost rebellious moment and wonders why he wrote rule number sixteen. Oh wait. Atobe made him do it)

****

Rule #17: All weaklings must bow at the feet of the mighty Atobe Keigo, and do his bidding.

Example:

HYOUTEI vs. SEIGAKU

ATOBE vs. TEZUKA

VICTOR: No one. Match in progress.

Atobe: I can hear them cheering...I can hear my minions cheering!

Tezuka: ...

Atobe: But I can also hear your pathetic measly audience members cheering for YOU! This is unacceptable! Kabaji, make sure they start following rule number seventeen!

Kabaji: Usu. (he advances on the pathetic measly Seigaku audience members, ready to make sure they start following rule number seventeen. They scream, and scatter)

(Atobe loves rule number seventeen)


	3. Random Misc

And here we have some random characters who also wish to invent rules and have them engraved into the Golden Book...

****

Rule #18: All females will worship the mighty Wakato-sama!

Example:

JOUSEI vs. SEIGAKU

WAKATO vs. KAIDO

VICTOR: No one. Match in progress.

Fangirls: Wakato! Hiroshi! Wakato! Hiroshi!

Tomoka: Hey! Make those stupid cheering fangirls shut up! WIn, Kaido, win!

Hiroshi: Oh, but they're only following rule number eighteen! Which is a rule that you must follow as well, since you're female! (sparkly tooth grin)

Tomoka: ...But I'm not even p laying the game!

Hiroshi: You're watching it, though!

Tomoka: So what? It's a stupid rule! Win, Kaido, win!

Kaido: ...

Hiroshi: (sighs) All women must love me!

(Hiroshi is very upset that his rule is not working on the rival team's silly cheerleader. He decides next time he should move on and try to get all males to worship him as well. Maybe there will be better luck)

(Inui notices definite similarities between rule numbers seventeen and eighteen)

****

Rule #19: If you get into a car accident before a match, TELL someone about it.

Example:

Tachibana: Why does everyone's performance suck today?

Kamio: Well...um...we...

Tachibana: I'm going to bring up rule number nineteen, so that there won't be any repeats of LAST TIME.

Kamio: (coughs) ...Well, actually, we got into an accident...

Tachibana: I thought so. We're going to forfeit.

Kamio: ...we haven't even started playing...How did you know?

Tachibana: I had a bad feeling. Call it a mother's intuition.

Kamio: ...I see...

(Tachibana thinks his rule might come in handy)

****

Rule #20: There will be no stealing of bikes.

Example:

STREET TENNIS MATCH

KAMIO vs. MOMOSHIRO

VICTOR: No one. Match in progress.

Referee (Shinji): Game, Momoshiro, three games to love.

Kamio: What? No! I won't let that guy beat me! HE STOLE MY BIKE!

Momo: What does that have to do with this game?

Kamio: Hah! I knew you'd ask that! Look at rule number twenty! (cackles)

Momo: ...

Shinji: Rule number twenty says that there will be no stealing of bikes, and...(everyone ignores him after that)

Momo: You wrote that, didn't you?

Kamio: So what if I did? It's a rule now! You LOSE, MOMOSHIRO!

Momo: ...NEVER!

(loud argument ensues)

(Kamio thinks his rule might have failed)

****

Rule #21: Rules are important because without rules there would be anarchy, which means chaos, which means a lot of street violence and unhappy people and no one wants to be unhappy, because it's human nature to search for a better life, which reminds me that I should go to the store and look for some new grip tape, but I bet there won't be any good grip tape left since Echizen bought it, so maybe I should look for something else instead that would make me feel better, but I doubt I'll feel better about losing because I hate to lose but getting back to this rule thing, rules are important because without rules there would be anarchy, which means chaos, which means a lot of unhappy people.

Example:

FUDOMINE vs. SEIGAKU

? vs. ?

VICTOR: ...

Momo: I can't remember who was playing who...(yawns)

Inui: Rule number twenty-one appears to be a bit...long.

Kamio: Shinji! Did you write that?

Shinji: Um...(opens his mouth to say something, but several people attack him and cover that mouth of his)

Tachibana: Let's just start over, and forget rule twenty-one this time.

Tezuka: Good idea. I agree.

(everyone else is either restraining Shinji or has passed out from boredom, and does not hear this suggestion)

(Shinji, being restrained, decides that maybe his rule isn't very good after all, but he thought it was good when he wrote it, and...)

****

Rule #22: I don't want to make a stupid rule, so *(&^%%&*%^& off.

Example:

Inui: I've been looking over some of the new rules, and I find number twenty-two puzzling...

(all lean over and look)

Kawamura: Ah, Akutsu probably wrote that...

(all envision Akutsu, shaking his pink tennis racket at them, yelling out rule number twenty-two. They agree that Kawamura is probably right)

Inui: I think we can just omit rule number twenty-two...

Kawamura: That might be for the best.

****

Rule #23: If someone gets hit in the face with the ball, the person/team who did it is automatically disqualified, da ne! (I hate you, Momoshiro! Da ne!)

Example:

Momo: (reading rules) Geez, is that guy still upset about that?

Oishi: Well, you did hit him in the face...

Momo: It was an accident! I wanted to finish the game! Besides, hitting him like that improved his looks...

(somewhere else)

Yanagisawa: (sneezes) Someone's talking about me, da ne!

Mizuki: It's probably Momoshiro-kun, insulting your looks.

Yangisawa: ... da ne.

(Yanagisawa rubs his jaw, and once again, curses Momoshiro's name)

****

Rule #24: All uniforms must be color-coordinated.

Example:

YAMABUKI vs. SEIGAKU

AKUTSU vs. ECHIZEN

VICTOR: No one. Match in progress.

Akutsu: (is creepy)

Echizen: (is cocky)

Mizuki: Wait! Stop the game!

Fuji: What's HE doing here? (glares)

Mizuki: I came to uphold rule number twenty-three! That orange and green shirt has to go!

Akutsu: what the hell are you talking about?

Mizuki: (holds up new shirt) THESE are Yamabuki's new colors!

Akutsu: I am not wearing pink and purple!

Echizen: It IS in the rules.

Akutsu: (glares. is even more creepy)

Echizen: (smirks. is even more cocky)

(Mizuki sighs, and wonders if anyone will ever listen to his fashion advice. He leaves, and goes to find Yuuta. Maybe he will wear the pink and purple shirt for him)

****

Rule #25: Call me Yuuta, damn it!

Example:

STREET TENNIS COURT MATCH

KAMIO vs. SHINJI

VICTOR: No one. Match in progress.

Person 1: My money's on Shinji!

Person 2: Hey look, it's Fuji's ototo!

Yuuta: RULE NUMBER TWENTY-FOUR, YOU BASTARD! (runs away crying)

Person 2: Whoa...the anger...I wonder why Fuji's ototo is so upset?

Yuuta: I HEARD THAT! RULE NUMBER TWENTY-FOUR ALREADY!

(Yuuta hopes his rule will work)

(Someday)

(But he doesn't have much hope on the subject)

****

THE END


End file.
